I’m a jealous person. I’m just going to come right out and admit that.
That feels better. I’ve never said it “out loud” before. I have a handful of things I’m ashamed about, and sharing this makes me feel vulnerable. So if you are going to attack me, please wait for the vulnerability to pass.
When I was a child, I would HATE it when someone came into my room. Literally, I’d be yelling if anyone touched anything.. I liked everything to be the way I left it. I remember this one time I came home from First grade, and my dolls had been left all over my floor. What a hissy fit I threw.
For the longest time, I would describe my child-self as a brat. But all girls raised in a house of only boys become possessive and controlling, right?
But First grade isn’t the only time I remember reacting this way. The next time I was 16 or 17. It was after my father died. My bedroom was the only place I could get away from my mourning mother, and my insensitive brothers. A place I would go write in my journal or write poetry. A place to listen to music that drowned out the rest of the world. A place I cried. So that justifies yelling at anyone coming into my room?
Then I went to college. Did all the things that college kids do… drink, hangout with friends, sleep, skip class, and still manage to get a degree.
During college, though, I met someone who liked her room just so. I met someone who didn’t like someone touching her things. I connected with a girl who respected my stuff as much as I respected her stuff. She understood me. So I chalked all my temper-tantrums to my child-self being a spoiled brat, because I wasn’t the only one who liked a neat place.
The difference between us: shortly after we started dating, she became one of my things. Not like I treated her less than human. But that I became possessive and controlling like I did with my dolls. I needed her to be set in a specific way. My way. A way I could trust. A way that is most comfortable for me. The possessiveness and control gave way to jealousy. I turned into a complete crazy lady (I might be exaggerating a bit for emphasis.. there’s more to the story than this).
WHAT KIND OF PERSON AM I??
I’m quite ashamed of the person I became. One of the reasons I’m not in a relationship now is because I’m afraid of that person. I do not want to subject someone else to the monster inside me.
I’m a super laid-back person.. now. It’s how I can manage the raging emotions within. Sometimes I think that I’m ready to open up and find a new best friend. But… how can you change something that has been inside you since you were a child? You can’t… at least that’s what I’ve decided. So I let people see the parts of me that I want them to see… the parts of me that I only allow myself to see. Because if I knock even just a brick down, I’m afraid of what I’ll become.
There’s not just a Green monster waiting for something to call its own. There are monsters of every color, just waiting.