Analyzing the Green Monster …

I’m a jealous person.  I’m just going to come right out and admit that.

*sigh*

That feels better.  I’ve never said it “out loud” before.  I have a handful of things I’m ashamed about, and sharing this makes me feel vulnerable.  So if you are going to attack me, please wait for the vulnerability to pass.

vulnerable

When I was a child, I would HATE it when someone came into my room.  Literally, I’d be yelling if anyone touched anything.. I liked everything to be the way I left it.  I remember this one time I came home from First grade, and my dolls had been left all over my floor.  What a hissy fit I threw.  

yelling-child

For the longest time, I would describe my child-self as a brat.  But all girls raised in a house of only boys become possessive and controlling, right?

But First grade isn’t the only time I remember reacting this way.  The next time I was 16 or 17.  It was after my father died.  My bedroom was the only place I could get away from my mourning mother, and my insensitive brothers.  A place I would go write in my journal or write poetry.  A place to listen to music that drowned out the rest of the world.  A place I cried.  So that justifies yelling at anyone coming into my room?

excuse

Then I went to college.  Did all the things that college kids do… drink, hangout with friends, sleep, skip class, and still manage to get a degree.  

lazycollegesenior

During college, though, I met someone who liked her room just so.  I met someone who didn’t like someone touching her things.  I connected with a girl who respected my stuff as much as I respected her stuff.  She understood me.  So I chalked all my temper-tantrums to my child-self being a spoiled brat, because I wasn’t the only one who liked a neat place.

The difference between us: shortly after we started dating, she became one of my things.  Not like I treated her less than human.  But that I became possessive and controlling like I did with my dolls.  I needed her to be set in a specific way.  My way.  A way I could trust.  A way that is most comfortable for me.  The possessiveness and control gave way to jealousy.  I turned into a complete crazy lady (I might be exaggerating a bit for emphasis.. there’s more to the story than this).

WHAT KIND OF PERSON AM I??

luck

I’m quite ashamed of the person I became.  One of the reasons I’m not in a relationship now is because I’m afraid of that person.  I do not want to subject someone else to the monster inside me.  

lemon-eyeroll

I’m a super laid-back person.. now.  It’s how I can manage the raging emotions within.  Sometimes I think that I’m ready to open up and find a new best friend.  But… how can you change something that has been inside you since you were a child?  You can’t… at least that’s what I’ve decided.  So I let people see the parts of me that I want them to see… the parts of me that I only allow myself to see.  Because if I knock even just a brick down, I’m afraid of what I’ll become.

There’s not just a Green monster waiting for something to call its own.  There are monsters of every color, just waiting.

monsters

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