I am not sure I can describe what I mean in words. I’ve never tried to share this all with others before… no. That’s a lie. I have tried. But I fail miserably at reaching out to people in all parts of my life… why would this be any different?
I used to write and I used to paint. That was a time when I had something worth saying (at least emotionally unstable teenage me thought so).
Now when I sit down I struggle to make my pen or brush move. Maybe it’s an artist’s block…
A friend told me once “You’re an artist, you will always be in pain.”
Is this true? Without the pain I used to feel, I cannot create as eloquently as I did? This saddens me. It also bothers me. Half my dreams are gone because I no longer allow myself to be angry. I no longer allow myself to cry. I no longer allow emotions to control who I am (except on those rare occasions women have no control of the hormone-Hulk that lies within).
*INSERT GREEN FEMALE MONSTER
REPRESENTING EMOTIONS, NOT NECESSARILY
DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A PORN STAR*
But could this control have also diminished the passion I used to feel? … the make-dreams-happen kind of girl I was? Because passion would have driven me to find another muse outside of pain, right?
Or maybe I’m not living a life worth sharing. I do admit my life is kind of lame at this point in time.
Some people think I’m really cool. Others think I am apathetic. At times, I think I’m quite numb. I’m not sure what label to put on this state of being. I take it for what it is. Most of the time I really enjoy the contentment and the calm. But it really bothers me that I can’t create art like I did… that I’m not interested in picking up my guitar… that I have nothing to write about in words… these were things about myself that, although I shared them with no one, I was really proud of them.
Maybe one day I can mix those parts of me with these parts of me… or maybe they are no longer parts of me. Until that day, I guess I shouldn’t worry. I should push that out of the way and into the box containing all the emotions that I cannot handle.